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I absolutely admire the comedy of Bill Hicks. He manages tocreate something amusing and funny out of many issues. He doesthis in various ways, including being "raunchy" about thesubject. He also talks a great deal about politics. But, hedoesn't just talk about them -- he makes them amusing andhilarious. So, I had an interesting thought. Would it bepossible to recreate the style of Bill Hicks, but do itdefending something radical and opposed to by the majority ofthe public? So, I thought I'd write a stand-up comedy routine onbehalf of Vegetarianism, but mostly for comedy value, while notlosing intellectual worth. And, here is that routine. Enjoy!

The Comedy

You know what I always hear from people who eat meat... Yeah,I'm talking to you out there. I always get this for some reason.They say, "Animals eat each other, so we should be able to eatthem." Yeah, well, you know what? Animals have sex with eachother all the time. In fact, the whole world is like thissprawling Ron Jeremiah porn video, except with more story.And... what's to say I shouldn't be able to get some of thataction, eh? I'm sure I'll be able to meet this cheetah who tellsme he's in to bondage and wants to go down on me faster than agazelle in pursuit.

Something else I hear often from these same people. They seemto feel very content when they're telling me how good meattastes. I'll be chewing on french fries while I hear this 400pounder eating a quarter pounder, telling me how much he lovesmeat. And between the wheezing and the snorting, I can make outthis voice coming out from this man, "Meat tastes good. Mmmmm, Ilove meat." Half an hour later, five guys are trucking this guyto the nearest hospital. I was there with him, too, when he hadthe heart attack. I told him, I said this, "You really need tolet go of things that don't love you back."

He'd try to moralize with me, "Hey, man, you really gotta eatmeat, it tastes great." I'd reply like any sane person, "Iactually appreciate the health benefits of Vegetarianism." Theguy gets all upset, and tells me in his loudest voice, "Youknow, Vegetarians have heartattacks, too!" I thought for a whileand said, "Yeah, that's true. But when I have a heart attack, Iwon't need an emergency lyposuction to get through the hospitaldoors."

Needless to say, he goes back to his old argument. "Meat isgood. I love it. It tastes great. Here, you gotta try it! Just alittle piece!" I'm like, "Get the fuck away from me, man. You'rein the hospital for having a heart attack from eating that shit,and you want me to get sucked into that plague?" I'll tell himhow it is, "Dude, you wouldn't eat it if it didn't taste good?"He nods. So, I tell him, "Why haven't the doctors removed yourtongue then? If they did that, you'd stand a moderately goodchance of living past thirty, thirty five maybe, by now."

He asks me again, "Why won't you eat it? It tastes good!" Ihave to say it like it is. I have principles. I'm sorry that Idon't agree with your philosophy of mass exploitation. I havemorals. Some of you out there might disagree with me. I know it.What if this guy comes up to you in two weeks, holding akentucky fried fetus, or a baby-on-a-stick, and says, "Come on!Try it! It tastes good!" He'd take this huge gaping bite out ofthe torso of that baby-on-a-stick, smile at you with a littleribbone stuck between his teeth, and then yell again, "It tastesgood! Come on! Try one bite! Just take one hand from my kentuckyfried fetus!" Yeah, I know what you'd all say, "Sorry, man, Ihave morals." Yeah, yeah...

I hate hunters. I just simply and downright hate them. Anyoneelse here hate them? Yeah, I always hear hunters say, "I thinkit's the eternal destiny of humanity to live outside, to track,and to hunt, as part of our heritage." I took another look atthis guy. The rancid stench of beer and baccon is on his breath,forming into this meld of what may very well be Calvin Klein'snext scent. His hands are covered in fur, or... some type ofmoss, not sure which. I don't see how he could hunt very well,since his beard is so long, I bet he has trouble not tripping onit. His eyes are close together, he's hunched over, and... Ijust gotta say it to him, "You know, dude, I don't think you andI are from the same species. Plain and simple. You're a fuckin'neanderthal that comes out of the hills to hunt and kill whenknocking up your sister gets boring. Go back to your cave andleave those poor creatures alone."

He'd get all pissy and, say again, "It's the eternal destiny ofthe human species to hunt!" Judging from this guy, I knew hewasn't going to say that it's our "eternal destiny of the humanspecies" to do something like, say, read books.

A few meat eaters will come up to me and say something like,"We're superior. Mankind is superior to animals and we have theright to do what we want with them. We're stronger, we'resmarter, we're superior." For a few moments I was bit confused."Wait a minute," I said, "I've heard this argument before.Yeah... I've definitely heard it before. It was coming out of aspeech made in the 1930's in Germany... Yeah, I didn't like theargument then and I really don't like it's new form very mucheither."

"No, seriously, we are superior, so we can do what we want withthem," they keep saying. Apparently, this superior being failedto make a rather simple connection with what I just said. So, Itry a different route with them, "Hey, you know who I'm superiorto? Babies. Man, they're so inferior to me. Dude, they can'teven walk and you think I should respect their rights? Hell no.Come on, get a Kentucky Fried Fetus with me. Dude, they tastegood! Just one bite!" Yeah, I used a very simple piece ofreasoning there. He'd say something like, "But a baby is goingto become smart!" Doesn't matter. Doesn't fuckin' matter. Doesthat mean we can go to a school for mentally retarded and justhave a barbecue? Mentally, I am superior to them, too. In fact,I think I'm superior to this guy talking to me. "Does that meanit's okay that I hack off your head and just suck out the bloodfrom your veins?" He didn't like that idea, either. But, itdidn't matter. I think he was shot latter that day accidentallyby the hunter.

And then there's my favorite argument of all time. "If westopped killing them, they'd overrun the planet." I love thatargument. Yeah, it doesn't matter that humanity is BREEDING COWSAND CHICKENS AND PIGS BY THE BILLION. I mean, this totallycontradicts the argument that humans are mentally superior. Thisjerkoff thinks, "Hey, if they don't kill them so we can eatthem, I'm sure they'll still keep breeding them en mass, notknowing the dire consequences that lay ahead." Let's make afuckin' post-it note right now. It can say something like, "Ifyou don't eat them, don't breed them." I'm sure most of youwould agree with that logic, but I'd prefer something far moresimple and easy, like, "You're fuckin' stupid," or "Don't talkto me."

I'd be in line one day ordering a tofu dog, and then I hearsome fatass from behind yelling, "Hey, you're not saving anyanimals here." I turn around and, hey! It's our friend from thehospital. "How are your stretch marks feeling?" I'd ask him.He'd start up a new argument with me. "Yeah, it's okay to eatanimals because it's part of natural selection! It's the cycleof life!" Really? Is it the cycle of life? This from a man whowould eat a kentucky fried fetus if tasted good. "Wow, I didn'texpect you to go all scientific with that argument," I told him.Really. It's the Cycle of Life. Does anyone here really believethat? I told the guy, I said, "Look... When those doctorsdecided to save your life when you had a heart attack, maybethey should have said, 'whoa whoa whoa, stand back... this ISthe cycle of life -- fat fucker had it coming.'"

This guy won't stop. "Humans have teeth made for eating meat!"Really? Well, how else are we supposed to eat a kentucky friedfetus or a baby-on-a-stick? Do you think you can crush that tinyribcage with just your tongue? Come on, people, reason with me!If teeth are made for eating meat, why discriminate? Oh, comeon, ya' bunch of racists. Well, okay, so, we can use things forwhat they're made for. Teeth are made for eating flesh, guns aremade for shooting, and bombs are made for exploding. I mean, ifI really gave this guy a bomb, disguised as a cheeseburger,would I be doing anything, but using it for what it was madefor? Jeeze, I could see that guy just crunch into that burgerlike it was japanese folding paper version of a burger. Hedoesn't even have his real teeth anymore, that was just anargument. He has the jaws of life put into his mouth, just likethat anti-hero in the James Bond movies. I tell ya', he'd takeone bite into that cheeseburger bomb and his head would fuckin'explode. The little pieces of flesh and gray matter wouldimmediately be deep fried in his honor.

So, finally, this guy says, "But, an animal is already dead.I'm not killing it. If it's dead, it's okay to eat." I lookedthis guy over, "Dude, you barely pass for living. You had aheart attack a month ago. Your blood pressure is 350 over 120.Your heart beats so fast, I can hear you getting fatter from amile away. I just put my ear to the side of the curb and I hearthis thud noise."

I try to narrow down his argument a bit more. He says, if it'sdead, he's not killing it, and it's okay to eat. Oh, wait aminute... Let me make a phone call to 1960. "Yeah, Martin LutherKing, apparently... if you stop riding the buses, they're stillgoing to be opposed to treating Africans equally. No, no, thismountain of a human being told me.... Yeah, by the way, there'sthis time where you have to be careful because someone is --hello? Hello?" Fuckin' lord of the civil rights movement hangsup on me because I tell him that boycotting is useless. Before Icould warn him of the assassination attempt, too.

www.punkerslut.com

For Life, Punkerslut

About the author:Punkerslut (or Andy Carloff) has been writing essays and poetryon social issues which have caught his attention for severalyears. His website www.punkerslut.com provides a complete listof all of these writings. His life experience includeshomelessness, squating in New Orleans and LA, dropping out ofhigh school, getting expelled from college for "subversiveactivities," and a myriad of other revolutionary actions.

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